the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
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me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Breaking news:
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…