How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.