If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
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driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Thank you corporation very cool
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀