[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
You Might Also Like
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Just me?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Mike is short for Micycle
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.