For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Peace was never an option
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card