Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Worth a try
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I cannot call her anything else now
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”