You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Who did it better?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art