“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product