When the stylist spins you back around
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Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Milk Cube
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.