Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*