Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Green is just blue that someone peed in
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS