Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
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Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.