[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do