Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
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No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.