ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
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If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Life cycle of cat
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*