4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
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Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky