When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters