Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.