Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.