my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
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If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
At least he brought enough for everyone
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right