I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Duck typos.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.