Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
What my back needs
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far