BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
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Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
how high up are we talkin’?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.