“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
And that about sums it up.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?