Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.