Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Bit chilly again tonight.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Well, shit
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim