[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
You Might Also Like
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u