date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)