The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???