Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Just as the prophecy foretold
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it