asking santa clause for nudes
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
PLEASE READ
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.