[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Well well well…
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.