Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.