[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president