[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet