[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.