Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.