I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
the official breakfast of 2021
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no