*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job