I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
School be like
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work