Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
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15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Grandmother clock.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me