[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives