my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate