a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Brother?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.