My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
You Might Also Like
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Dolls on drugs
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.