“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.