“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.