My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Breaking news:
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI