Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha