First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
You Might Also Like
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.